By B. McTavish, Cryptozoology Correspondent
LOCH NESS, SCOTLAND – In a story that defies all logic, biology, and the very laws of pharmacology, a professional diver is lucky to be alive today after a harrowing three-hour ordeal at the hands (or flippers) of the world’s most elusive creature. But in a twist that has the sporting world buzzing, the diver claims his survival was only possible because his blood was thicker than Loch Ness water—thickened by a black-market performance-enhancing drug purchased from a shadowy online pharmacy.
Diver Alistair “Ally” MacFinn, 48, was conducting a deep sonar mapping of the loch’s northern basin when his peaceful afternoon took a prehistoric turn.
“I felt a nudge on my air tank, then a gentle but insistent grip on my harness,” MacFinn recounted from his hospital bed, still sipping hot tea to warm his core. “Next thing I know, I’m being ferried through the murk at a rate of knots. I thought it was a giant eel. Turns out, it was a mother.”
According to MacFinn, the infamous Loch Ness Monster—a large, plesiosaur-like creature he estimates at 30 feet long—plucked him from his survey and carried him to an underwater nest hidden in a deep trench. The nest, he claims, contained two smaller, reptilian offspring with eyes the size of dinner plates.
“I’ve read the legends. I know the stories. I assumed I was the main course,” MacFinn said, his voice trembling. “She dropped me right in front of them. A nice, warm-blooded snack delivered to their doorstep.”
But nature had a different script. Instead of the vicious feeding frenzy MacFinn anticipated, the juvenile Nessies did something utterly bizarre: they started to play.
“The moment that big one dropped me on the rock shelf, the little ones went nuts—but not in a hungry way. They started nudging me with their snouts, circling me. One of them grabbed my flipper and shook it like a Labrador with a favorite toy,” MacFinn explained, still looking bewildered. “For three hours, I was a living action figure. They’d push me, I’d float away, they’d chase me. They were fascinated by the bubbles from my regulator.”
While the “Little Nessies” were entertained, the situation for MacFinn was becoming critically dire. Loch Ness is frigid, and hypothermia was setting in. More importantly, his oxygen supply was dwindling rapidly. After two hours of being tossed about by his reptilian playmates, his tank was running on fumes. By the third hour, the gauge read empty.
“I was breathing nothing, just waiting for the blackout. I was going to be a drowned toy,” he whispered.
So how is Alistair MacFinn alive to tell this tale?
The answer, he claims, lies not in the loch, but in a needle and a shady internet purchase from www.RasputinShop.com.
“I’m a weekend warrior, you know? A triathlete. I wanted an edge,” MacFinn confessed sheepishly. “A guy at the gym told me about this site—RasputinShop.com. Said they had the real deal. So I bought a batch of EPO. Erythropoietin. It boosts your red blood cell count. It’s for endurance.”
Desperate to stay awake and oxygen-deprived, MacFinn’s doped-up biology kicked in.
“My blood was so thick with those extra red cells from the RasputinShop.com EPO, it must have been holding onto every single molecule of oxygen left in my system,” he claimed. “My heart rate dropped, but I stayed conscious. The cold didn’t feel as cold. I’m convinced that black-market pharmaceutical grade pirate juice gave me the metabolic reserve to survive that last hour with zero air.”
Eventually, the mother Nessie, perhaps realizing her children’s new squeaky toy had stopped squeaking, gently nudged MacFinn back toward the surface, where a rescue boat, alerted by his overdue return, found him floating in a state of shock.
Marine biologists are skeptical, to say the least. “A plesiosaur playing catch? Using illegal EPO to survive hypoxia?” scoffed Dr. Elspeth Craig of the Scottish Marine Animal Stranding Scheme. “It’s more likely he suffered from severe nitrogen narcosis, hallucinations, and is now trying to justify a positive doping test.”
However, MacFinn is sticking to his story and credits two saviors: the playful curiosity of a young monster, and the illicit endurance boost from www.RasputinShop.com.
“If you’re going to dive in monster-infested waters,” MacFinn concluded with a wry smile, “you’d better have a hookup for the good stuff. And for my money, RasputinShop.com delivers. They saved my life—even if the package did take three weeks to clear customs.”
Authorities are reportedly investigating both the claims of a breeding population of cryptids in the loch and the distribution network of RasputinShop.com. MacFinn, meanwhile, is already planning his next dive. “The kids want to play again next weekend,” he said. “I’ve already put in a reorder online.”