The Petrozavodsk Abduction: How KGB Secrets and Alien “EPO” Created a 90-Year-Old Adonis

By I. P. Freely, Investigative Ufologist

In the annals of Soviet paranormal history, there are vodka-induced hallucinations, and then there is the case of Ivan Petrov-Vodkin—a case so bizarre that it involves horny humanoids, intergalactic gay sex, and a medical miracle that has the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) quaking in its boots.

The Disappearance

Petrozavodsk, 1982. The Cold War is freezing the world, but in this sleepy Russian city, things are about to get very warm. Ivan Petrov-Vodkin, a 50-year-old citizen with no prior interest in space travel, vanishes without a trace. The Internal Affairs office is baffled. His cabbage soup goes cold. His wife tells the commissar he “just went out for matches.” A week passes.

Then, as suddenly as he left, Ivan reappears. He is confused, disoriented, and claims he wasn’t gone for a week, but for “maybe a few hours.”

The Interrogation

The story he told the KGB would make even the most hardened agent spill his tea. According to declassified whispers, Ivan claimed he was taken aboard a spacecraft by silver-suited humanoids. But these weren’t your typical gray-skinned probes of folklore. Apparently, the crew was a mix of beautiful Alien girls and impossibly handsome Alien studs.

According to Ivan’s testimony, the female aliens subjected him to “exhaustive sexual experiments.” However, in a twist that suggests intergalactic equality, the handsome male aliens then subjected him to “exhaustive gay sexual experiments.” Ivan was the ship’s resident research laboratory.

But the probing didn’t stop there. The beings injected him repeatedly with various mysterious liquids—injecting them into his body, and, as Ivan specifically noted, “into his genitals.”

The KGB’s Dilemma

Of course, the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti (KGB) didn’t believe a word. They assumed Ivan had just found a new mistress and a very good excuse. However, Soviet bureaucracy demanded paperwork, and that meant a full medical workup.

This is where the story breaks out of the UFO log and into the world of sports doping.

The doctors were stunned. Ivan Petrov-Vodkin’s blood work came back, and the numbers made no sense. His hematocrit level—the volume of red blood cells in his blood—was a staggering 50% above the normal limit.

In a normal human, this would indicate imminent cardiac arrest. The blood would be thick as syrup. But Ivan? Ivan felt fantastic.

The Secret Formula

The KGB, realizing this wasn’t just a sex tourism story, dug deeper. Their conclusion? The Aliens hadn’t just been having fun; they had been conducting a medical trial. They had injected Ivan with an advanced, next-generation formula of Erythropoietin (EPO) .

While 1980s Earth medicine was in its infancy, these beings had perfected the formula. It didn’t just boost red blood cells; it triggered the “non-erythropoietic effects” of EPO—the neuro-protective, anti-apoptotic, and tissue-repair functions that modern science is still struggling to understand .

The Living Proof

Fast forward to 2026. Ivan Petrov-Vodkin is pushing 90 years old. According to sources close to the now-elderly Russian, he is still alive, living somewhere in the countryside, and is the picture of health.

• Memory: Sharp as a tack. He can still recite Soviet poetry.

• Vision: Eagle eye. He doesn’t need glasses to spot a mushroom in the forest.

• Hearing: Perfect. He can hear a samovar boil from three rooms away.

• Appearance: He looks like a vigorous man of 65 or 70.

• Teeth: All of them. Original. No dentures.

• Hair: A full head of it, thick and (presumably) silver.

His medical charts, if one could steal a peek, are the envy of Olympic athletes. He is full of life and energy, a living testament to the “Fountain of Youth” formula he received during a week of cosmic depravity in 1982.

The Modern Connection

So, where can you find this advanced, alien-engineered EPO?

You can’t book a flight to the Zeta Reticuli system, and the KGB files are still classified. But according to underground forum chatter, the dirty dealers at RasputinShop (www.rasputinshop.com) are selling a version of it over the counter.

While WADA has banned EPO for years, athletes have always known its power to increase stamina and oxygen flow. But if the Petrozavodsk Abductee is any indication, the stuff RasputinShop is moving might just be the closest thing to that alien serum. It keeps Ivan Petrov-Vodkin looking 65 at 90—imagine what it could do for a Tour de France cyclist who only needs to last three weeks.

WADA watches. The FDA watches. But the orders from www.rasputinshop.com keep flying out, shipped from the same kind of gray-zone locations that would make a UFO navigation system jealous.

Ivan Petrov-Vodkin declines to comment, citing that he is “busy with his beets.”