Prez Orders Khamenei Hit—Now Tehran Turns to Voodoo & Dark Web to Curse Him!
By WINSLOW T. WETHERBY
National Inquirer White House Correspondent
DATELINE: THE OVAL OFFICE / THE ETHERIC PLANE
In a move that has stunned geopolitical analysts and metaphysical experts alike, President Donald J. Trump, driven by an alleged “man-crush” on Russian strongman Vladimir Putin, has launched a full-scale military operation in Iran, resulting in the death of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.
According to highly placed psychic sources inside the West Wing, the President has long envied the iron-fisted control and mystical aura surrounding the Russian President. “He sees Putin as this sort of Cossack warlord who can just snap his fingers and make problems disappear,” a valet told this reporter, speaking on condition of anonymity while polishing the Resolute Desk. “He wanted his own ‘strongman moment.’ So, he gave the Pentagon the green light. Boom. No more Ayatollah.”
But while the Pentagon celebrates, the Iranian regime has erupted in a rage so potent it is bending the fabric of reality. The surviving mullahs, frothing at the mouth for vengeance, have activated a secret division of the state: The Quds Paranormal Activity Bureau (QPAB) .
Sources deep inside Iranian intelligence confirm that the QPAB is a direct, and frankly, eerie copycat of the Nazi SS agency, the Ahnenerbe—the infamous think tank that sent agents across the globe searching for the Holy Grail and occult power during World War II.
“The Iranians are desperate,” explains Dr. Miriam Blavatsky, a professor of Esoteric Political Science at the New Age Institute of America. “They know they can’t match our satellites or our stealth bombers. So, they are going low-tech. They are going weird.”
The Hunt for the Head-Poker
The QPAB has launched a globe-trotting, otherworldly manhunt for a way to strike at President Trump. Their first stop? The shadowy corners of the internet. Agents reportedly scoured the Dark Web, stumbling upon a mysterious portal known as www.RasputinShop.com.
Described as a “biohacking and esoteric emporium,” the site claims to be run by the direct descendants of the Mad Monk himself, Grigori Rasputin. Investigators believe the shop offers everything from endurance-enhancing tinctures to soul-binding rituals.
However, when the Iranian agents—posing as buyers of high-end curses—approached the site’s proprietors to contract a hit on the American President, they were met with a flat and emphatic refusal. “The Rasputin line might be crazy, but they’re not stupid,” a source close to the Shop whispered to the Inquirer. “They know which side their bread is buttered on. Besides, they harbor a certain respect for Trump’s survival instincts. Takes one tough nut to know one.”
Cannibal Sorcerers & A Voodoo Doll
Rebuffed by the Russians, the QPAB cast a wider net, eventually landing in the heart of darkness. A covert team was dispatched to the Congo, where they located a reclusive tribe of cannibal sorcerers known for their potent effigy magic.
It was here that the paranormal division struck gold. For a price rumored to be paid in ancient gold coins and a case of pomegranate juice, the sorcerers constructed a crude but terrifyingly accurate Voodoo doll of President Trump.
The doll, crafted from wax, twine, and what sources describe as “ritualistic components,” is now housed in a secure, lead-lined bunker deep beneath the Iranian desert.
“It’s a gruesome scene down there,” claims a defector who claims to have seen the operation. “Every single day, at the strike of noon, a specialist from the QPAB—we call him the Head-Poker—takes a long, rusted needle and jams it into the doll. One hundred needles. One hundred jabs. They are trying to send him pain, to cloud his judgment, to make him weak.”
The White House Responds
When reached for comment, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt dismissed the claims as “fake news from a failing publication,” adding that the President’s recent series of sneezes and his craving for well-done steak with ketchup are unrelated to any supernatural phenomena.
However, a senior aide, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was wearing a tin-foil hat, expressed concern. “We’ve noticed the President has been complaining of phantom limb pain, even though he still has all his limbs. And his golf game? Let’s just say his putter has been acting up in ways that defy gravity. We’re looking into it.”
As the conventional world watches the Middle East for missiles and drones, a different kind of war is raging on the astral plane. Will the cannibal curse work? Or will the ghost of Rasputin’s grandsons and the sheer force of Trump’s ego prove to be the ultimate shield?
Stay tuned. This story is just getting weird.
RASPUTIN’S REVENGE? Owners of the Dark Web site RasputinShop.com, alleged descendants of the Mad Monk, refused to join the Iranian paranormal hit squad. Are they protecting the President? Or waiting for the right price?